In spite of me...

eczema...

2007-10-23T20:59:00.000-04:00

So here apparently is the latest tool God is using in my life...eczema. My son Matt's face is covered in eczema. It won't go away no matter what I do. I am out of control once again. There is no "fixing" this problem it seems, it just is. Wow...it just is. This struggle has brought to the surface some issues that I don't think I would have stopped to address had this not happened. For one there is absolutely NO room for pride in a believers life. Though my pride was hidden and subtle it was there all the same. A little sneaking feeling that somehow I could keep my little ones well and safe by my own effort. Not so. At least not the way my Heavenly Father sees fit for me.
Can I say I am grateful...so absolutely floored and grateful that GOD (who I know so little of) is so set on me being all His that He ruthlessly pursues me. I am learning that it is absolutely in and through the struggle that real life is birthed. The kind of life that means something. The kind that is eternal. This struggle, this suffering in my life is here for a reason. I believe that with all that I am. It is a part of His life work in me and I will not resist it (I may not look too hot as I go through this) but I will not give up. Jesus is too much of a prize and I have tasted just enough of Him to whet my appetite for more...SO Lord if this is your way then keep it coming and show me what it mean to be weak but strong, to be foolish but wise, to be poured out yet filled up...show me Lord and take me there...

two babies...

2007-09-12T13:07:00.000-04:00

"Two babies, I have two babies"...this is my little phrase I sing with Zoe everytime I have to hold both of them at the same time. Sometimes I catch Zoe carrying Elmo and Bitty Baby and singing to herself "two babies." Life with two babies...you know how Paul talks about having joy in struggles? Well, honestly that is what being a stay-at-home-mom is like for me~ a joyful struggle. Guess I might need to let go a little more and "just let the wind carry me" like a card I gave to a good friend recently read. THat's scary though. And in a world that measures you by what you "do" it seems near impossible some days. My to do list is never done and just when I think I am getting close the items seem to start piling back on. I am learning to let go I am learning to throw the to-do list aside and get down on the floor and play. That's really all that my little girl and boy want... now why is that so hard some days?

desires of my heart...

2007-08-12T20:57:00.000-04:00

Okay so I am overwhelmed...overwhelmed in a good way. Lately I have had these moments of truth where I just sit amazed at the tangible presence of God all over my life and not to mention my husband's. Tears sting my eyes as I even type these words...you see He has done it. He had given me EVERYTHING I ever asked Him for. He has gone above and beyond the visions I had but what is so amazing to me is that He has done it! Despite my unfaithfulness at times, despite my failing, wandering heart, despite my lack of discipline; He has done it.
Flashes of moments in days past overwhelm my heart...a prayer here, a whisper there, a fleeting vision, an aching heart in sometimes sleepless nights...wondering when? how? how long? And now here I am...married, a mother, in ministry (okay so they are all m words-that's weird!) Even more amazing is the redemptive work God continues to do in my life THROUGH my marriage, mommyhood, and being in ministry with my husband.
Jesus continues to woo me on this awesome adventure called life with Him. I am amazed and I am in awe. Though my days are filled with dishes and diapers, baby talk and block building, nursing and nurturing, they are jammed packed with meaning, filled to the brim and overflowing with the purpose of a jealous God who will not let His chosen ones go...AMEN Lord thank you SO much.

i'm back!

2007-06-23T20:46:00.000-04:00

Since my last post (in March!) I have had my precious little boy Matt and am adjusting to being the mom of two children...not the easiest thing I have ever done for sure! We are making the transition and wow I am really in love with this new little person. I wondered how I would ever love a child like I love Zoe but it has happened and I am head over heels. Matt has a very sweet temperment. He smiles all the time and is really a very easy baby. Zoe is adjusting as well even though she does wack him every now and then...I will never understand why!

Jesus continues to "complete the work He started" in me...and again by using these tools called babies! I am so grateful that He keeps me in places that I would not make it without Him. It keeps me right where I am supposed to be...needing HIM.

short post

2007-03-28T20:51:00.000-04:00

Sick...that is what I have been! Wow, sickness takes on a whole different meaning when there are little ones in tow. It has not been easy this week to say the least but I have learned and reflected on some sweet truths...1) When you need help, ASK. This is not the easiest thing for me to do always but you know it really is rewarding. It is rewarding all the way around. When I ask for help I am blessed and the ones helping are blessed. It is only pride that keeps us from this. This is blessed community...doing life together...helping one another. 2) Sometimes God allows sickness to get us to be still...this has been especially sweet because it has allowed me to really spend some time thinking about and bonding with this new little boy that the Lord is about to add to our family. I have been so busy with Zoe and just life that I haven't really spent much time really cherishing the little guy inside:) 3) God uses sickness to show us some things we need to really work on!!!!!!!!! I won't go into this too much, but wow Lord... thank you that I am still a work in progress!
I also just finished another of Ginger and I's book club reads. It was called Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. Great writing style, some hard material for my traditional southern baptist upbringing (which I am still recovering from), but overall glad that I read it. A few times I was really unsure about reading it but then at the end I just had this nagging thought that Jesus would probably rather hang out with someone like Anne Lamott then some religious person in denial about their depravity any day! Oh to be more and more the real thing!
That's it...all except for a huge thank you going out to the man of the year...my husband! What a servant...I am so grateful for you babe! Thank you for loving me like Christ loves the church in all her imperfections...you are awesome and I love you.

Do you Trust Me?

2007-03-08T20:15:00.000-05:00

Jeremy and I were able last weekend to attend a worship concert called "How Great is Our God." Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, and Louie Giglio were there all three of which I greatly enjoy due to their commitment to the Truth. We especially enjoyed Giglio's talk. He used many examples from science (ie. astronomy, and the miracle of human development in the womb) to illustrate how HUGE our God is. One thing he said really stood out to me. I don't remember exactly how he said it but basically he said that sin distorts our view of God making Him smaller than He is and us larger than we really are. How true! In our quest for security, pleasure, and power (to borrow from the Manning book I am finishing) it is all about a magnification of self that makes us bigger in our own estimation that we in reality really are. How I have known this to be true. God is Huge. He is in control. He is the Creator God and in Him, Jesus "ALL THINGS HOLD TOGETHER"~ Colossians 1:17 (another point Louie made). This was all hitting me as I sat at the concert fighting fearful thoughts about my children (Zoe home sick with a temperature and Matt in my belly so out of my control).

This is where I am weak right now. Fear over something happening to one of my little ones, to my husband, or even myself has had a tendency to really creep in. Zoe had her first major sickness this same weekend of the concert. She had a temperature so high I was scared to death. I literally just laid my hands on Zoe and just prayed several times. She had no other symptoms other than the high fever and just crankiness that it caused. And then 2 days later it was gone and she was her energetic, into everything, ever exploring and wanting to be outside self. Thank you Lord. His voice echoes in my mind..."Do you trust Me?" Even if Zoe didn't get better. Even if tragedy strikes as He no doubt said it would in this world John 16:33 (my banner verse right now), do I TRUST HIM. I want to. I want to be at peace about trouble and death...things that are absolutely a part of life. I know that this peace He has promised me because He said so over and over in His Word. Death takes on such a different meaning when you have a spouse and children. You just don't think about it the same. But again in scripture it says very clearly that He has overcome death so that He "might free those who through fear of death were subject to slavery all their lives"~Hebrews 2:15. I don't have to be slave to this fear. It is NOT of Him. I just keep hearing "Do you Trust Me." Keep saying it Lord and keep teaching me how.

Busy

2007-02-21T20:20:00.000-05:00

Ok...so we've been busy. Life is just busy overall right now. Busy in a different way. Busy in a good way, most of the time.
We went out of town this past weekend to visit one of my best friends from college. Her family has a place on the marshes in South Georgia which has a beauty all of it's own. I will try to post some pictures later this week. Beth and Bill, her husband, have a little girl named Julia who is now 8 months old. Zoe was really good with her, sitting down next to her every once in awhile with a big "hi" and not to mention totally trying to climb IN the walker with her after trying to push her around in it...not sure Julia was too thrilled about this! Zoe LOVES people! She really does and she is absolutely so full of joy and just the thrill of life itself right now. Everything is just amazing to her and she is not one to hide her enthusiasm. I don't think I could even put in words how she reacts to things...it really is the cutest thing. Zoe inspires me to be enthusiastic about life!
So we made it through probably the last major roadtrip we will make in a long time. I am realizing that traveling with little ones is pretty tiring especially being 7 almost 8 months pregnant. Zoe was really great she is just BUSY being her little one-year-old self...exploring and testing every limit there is. Oh how we pray for wisdom to be able to channel this awesome little personality into it's greatest potential.
In other news, I am really getting excited about this little man that is about to break onto our scene. Matt Jobson. Get ready! How cool that Zoe will have a brother! I am so excited about it and I know that though it will be challenging for sure this is just the best thing ever for our family! I am due April 25th (for those that didn't know) so I have just about 2 full months left. I am in the home stretch! We are getting ready.
Just an update on our little world...no time right now to mention all that is going on...I really want to sit down and post solely about the book that Ginger and I are reading right now The Importance of Being Foolish by Brennan Manning...what a life-changer for sure. Ginger said it the best...she said something like if this was the only book she read this year it would be enough. It really is that good. The bottom line is Jesus is really that good. No, good really isn't the word...He is just that REAL. May we all find HIM in the busyness of our everyday.

food for thought...

2007-01-16T15:25:00.000-05:00

So I just finished reading the book Disease-Proof Your Child: Feeding Kids Right by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. This is one of the books my friend Ginger and I were reading in our little long-distance book club:) I wanted to sit down and write my thoughts on it right away before it all leaves this pregnant mind of mine!

Disease-Proof You Child is a book about feeding your children well when they are little in order to lessen illness presently and in their future adulthood. I have been thinking a lot about the epidemic of cancer there seems to be in our country and he talks A LOT about cancer prevention which was very beneficial to me. Basically I had heard most of what he writes about due to the fact that health has definitely been somewhat of a hobby of mine since I was in high school. The main idea of the book was eat real food. Eat vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds predominantly, cut out completely dairy, white flour, sugar, oil and most animal products. He definitely hails saturated fats as an absolute no-no, which I agree with. The thing that was the hardest for me was the thought of giving up cheese and butter both of which I eat moderately but enjoy immensely! I was glad to be encouraged to eat more fruit and vegetables and to continue Zoe on her diet of mainly vegetables, beans, fruit and whole grain. The only meat that she eats are the turkey hot dogs I get at the health food store which I am considering phasing out. I have definitely quit giving Zoe cheese and I have started using Earth's Balance instead of butter. The MAIN thing that I got out of the book was EAT MORE VEGETABLES! They contain so many God-given disease fighting compounds that it just makes sense!

One thought before I close this post...I just want to end this by saying that I DO believe that we have a responsibility to take care of our bodies and especially to feed our children as well as possible in order for them to be healthy and able to fight off disease BUT I do not believe in it becoming an obsession...I have been there. A verse in the Daily Light (the little devotional that I read to Zoe every morning while she eats her breakfast) stood out to me in relation to this book I have been reading: "For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will TRANSFORM OUR LOWLY BODY THAT IT MAY BE CONFORMED TO HIS GLORIOUS BODY, according to the working by which He is able even to subdue all things to Himself." Phil. 3:20-21 The thought crossed my mind as I read the verse...I can do my best health wise for myself and my family but ultimately we dwell in a "lowly body." What we are going to be is not yet revealed and what is in store for us when HE comes back will be GLORIOUS. I am clinging to this and excited for that day. I am excited to pray that my children will grasp this as well, that they will not only be as healthy here as possible (physically) but most importantly spiritually healthy. I pray this for myself and I give all of the rest to the one who created us not for ourselves but for HIMSELF. "All things were created through Him and FOR HIM." Rom 14:9

Baggage...

2007-01-12T09:17:00.000-05:00

Wednesday night was my first time at "Mrs. in Ministry," a group of women who are wives of seminary students that attend RTS. The reason that I went on this particular evening was because the guest speaker was a professor that Jeremy had whom he had especially enjoyed. Sharon Hersh is a counselor/professor/speaker out of Colorado who comes to our RTS campus and teaches one week crash courses. The class that Jer had taken with her was her addictions class and from the discussions we had over dinner every night that week, I could tell was awesome. All that to say, I was really excited to see that she would be the speaker and made plans to attend...
I had no clue what to expect other than knowing I would meet fellow RTS wives and hear Sharon give something like a talk...of course (so like God) her talk was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
Sharon spoke on surrender...but not like you think. She spoke about baggage...but not like you usually hear baggage spoken about especially among Christians. It was inspiring to say the least, and yes, convicting. Her points were: 1. You need yourself; but not like you think 2. You need others; a lot more than you think 3. You need communion; much more often than we partake. (communion as in the Lord's Supper)
When speaking of our baggage, the baggage that we ALL have and carry, she used an interesting statement that she had heard during her alcohol addiction treatment: "the question is not whether or not we have baggage, but with what do we carry our baggage." Of course when she said this all of my years of "christianese" ran through my head. Thoughts like, uh oh this can't be right because of course we "leave our baggage at the cross" and surely if you are truly "spiritual" you have dropped that old baggage never to be picked up again! It's so good to have our "thoughts" challenged...and often! Anyway, I didn't tune her out I leaned in to listen harder...what did she mean "carry it?" And how was this "theologically correct" (can you just hear that lovely tint of PRIDE ringing through my reaction...O wretched man!) She listed the ways we carry our baggage...the baggage carriers of 1) Addictions -whether that be the dramatic addictions like alcohol or drugs or maybe just food, shopping, etc. Whatever that thing is that we engage in just "to take the edge off" 2) The Law or Legalism-this is the one that made tears creep down my cheeks...this is the one that carries baggage by keeping all of the "rules" and making sure everything is super in line and that only that which is presentable is shown 3) Self Effort-this is the one where people just "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" and carry it themselves "thank you very much!" and then 4) The RISEN Christ
She spoke of the different baggage we carry: shame, disfigurement, pain, giftedness, etc... The point she was making was not whether or not we have the baggage but HOW we CARRY IT! She wasn't saying that you don't address things or work through your "baggage" but what she was saying was that Jesus came to be our "baggage carrier!" Consider this "Come to me all you who labor and have a lot of bags and I will give you rest." Isn't that what He said! Also interesting was the point that it is not so much the crucifixion that we are clinging to here in this instance (we are doing that too) but we are clinging to and discovering the wonderful RISEN Christ. The one that has the power to heap our "bags" onto Himself and take us where we need to go.
Wow. There was so much more said. The thing that resonated with me the most is that thought of the Risen Christ...alive, powerful, living in me and reading and willing to carry all of my bags. I am meditating on this. I am not ashamed that I still have "baggage", that, you know, in reality, it's not all in order...and no I am not over it all...I am still on this journey towards the Healer but more importantly I am soaking in the stark reality that I CAN'T carry or order all of these bags, I can't "get it all straight" and perhaps THE most important part- I DON'T HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!!!!" The Risen One uses broken weak vessels...as it says in scripture "to confound the wise." Those that really think they get it...people like I have a tendency to be. Then God goes and uses the least of these...maybe someone who is not quite as polished spiritually or maybe even still trying to kick some "ungodly" habit. That is when our little tidy spirituality is rocked...and you know it is absolutely the way of GOD. He uses all of us in spite of ourselves, baggage and all.

Resolutions...

2007-01-01T10:33:00.000-05:00

res-o-lu-tion: the quality of being resolute: firmness, determination (from The Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

At this time of year many of us make "resolutions." Some serious some not so serious: lose 10 pounds, play with my kids more, spend more time with God, read more books, watch less tv, etc...

I have made so many resolutions in my lifetime but I have noticed that if it's not something that God is behind or with me in my "quality of being resolute" doesn't really measure up! This year I am really going to pray about my "resolutions." Sure I have my aspirations...be more intentional in discipling my daughter, Zoe and my soon to be son Matt, spend significant time cultivating a new friendship or two, get back into Yoga and walking once the baby comes, read more, etc... I just want to make sure that my "resolutions" are in line with the most important one and that is knowing and loving God. If that aspect suffers what does any of the rest really matter? It's easy to get caught up in whatever our "thing" is, so easy. I find myself there often. It is in those moments when I catch myself that I really have to take a deep breath and remember...just remember GOD, and more specifically Jesus.

I have to say my number one plea for 2007 is "Lord, I want to know YOU." The cool thing is that relationship with God is not attained, Biblically speaking, by determination and willpower but by grace...the unconditional, mind-blowing Grace of God. Bring it on Lord...bring it on and by this grace give me the "determination" and "firmness" of purpose to know you better!

Happy New Year

2006-12-31T21:48:00.000-05:00

Wow...what a year! I can't believe I haven't posted since July, but then again I can believe it! This has been a great year. Hard. But so good. Jeremy and I continue to see God move in spite of ourselves which creates in us such a raw dependence on HIS grace and consistently leaves us in awe of his sovereignty and love.

Jeremy is on staff now at the Northland in Oviedo Site. He loves it...that is great for me as his wife, I LOVE that he loves what he is doing. He is also at Starbucks pursuing a position as manager so that he will have a full time, benefits paying job while having the flexibility in hours to do what he loves and that is anything that has to do with the church.

Zoe continues to amaze me. She is A LOT of fun and just like her name means...she is full of LIFE. She has to be one of the funniest little things...so serious at times but such a little goofball. She my little observer. She loves people but at first only from a distance. Her vocabulary continues to grow..."mama, dada, bird, flower (fah fah), fish, truck (uck), yuck (uck), no, yes, please (which somehow comes out "boo"), now, go (my favorite...she says this very dramatic), all done, down...and more

Sometimes she says something and I am just blown away...of course her parents are somewhat verbal:) so I wonder where she gets it! Zoe loves to sing and dance and LOVES to be outside! I think all children would stay outside all the time if we let them. Isn't that funny! We try to have outside time everyday...which I have to say I love too:)

As this year comes to a close I just want to mention some of the highlights in honor of God working and growing me and also just to reminicse...

-ZOE (I can't really say just one thing-just her little year of going from baby to a little girl)

-The kick-off of Northland in Oviedo from the mall to the highschool! So exciting!

-the continued growth and connection in that community

-Our first annual Women's Christmas Event (planning that with Stacy-so fun)

-My friendship with Ginger Friesen (going through our first year of mommyhood together, their move, our children, our husband's friendship, our reading together-such a GOD send!)

-continued growth in my relationships with family

-reading the Bible through in a year with Jeremy (one of my all time favorites)

-kayaking with allagators

-a second pregnancy (still in progress:)

-the knowledge that I will be mom to a little boy! what an honor! (can't wait to meet my little Matt!)

I am so excited to start another year. I am so glad to be on the road towards truth and love and wholeness which is only made possible through the Lord. I am really ready to continue my relationship with HIM and to really delve deeper into what it means to be HIS disciple even though I know that will require much sacrifice. I am so ready to continue to shed the old skin of self and allow the new man to break through. I am just glad to be where I am right now...just really grateful and glad that Jesus is my friend most of all.

Happy New Year!

special thank you...

2006-07-26T21:34:00.000-04:00

Thank you Jer for my wonderful birthday...I love you...you are the best. ~M

life

2006-07-26T21:11:00.000-04:00

I LOVE this picture! When I was pregnant with Zoe and praying for her I prayed that she might live up to the meaning of her name "life." I secretly knew that praying that she be full of life might end up to be one of the most exhausting prayers of my life (he, he). Well, yes... God has a sense of humor.
Seriously, Zoe is living up to her name. She is absolutely full of life. She is also quite the little clown she makes us laugh and fills our home with smiles.
Never in my life have I needed wisdom more and never in my life have I enjoyed something as much as I enjoy being a wife and a mom. It's not easy but then again nothing truly valuable is easy! Thank you Lord for Zoe and the life that she brings!!!!!!!!

Wecome to the late 20's

2006-07-25T21:22:00.000-04:00

That was what my friend said on the voicemail she left me for my birthday. It's funny how the older you get the less your age really matters. I know some people get all bent out of shape about aging but I really get excited about it. Each year hopefully marks another year full of growth, change, and a deepening of my walk with the Lord. For sure some years have been a total bust but thankfully our God is the God who redeems lives.
My birthday was SO much fun I just want to write it all down to really solidify the memory. First of all I have to brag on my husband. Everything we did on my birthday took a lot of thought and planning which meant so much more than expensive gifts or fancy dinners. My day was a day spent with my best friend doing what I enjoy most: being outside experiencing creation.
Friday, the day before my birthday, we went to Lake Helen to spend the night so we could get up first thing and hit the river. Jer and his mom went and picked up the kayaks from her friend Dee (thanks again Dee) and I fed Zoe dinner. Once they got back we ate our dinner and then they brought out a cake with candles lit and sang happy birthday. Do you know how cool it was for me to sit with my daughter and watch her eyes light up as she saw a birthday cake for the first time. It is so much fun experiencing the excitement of little things with your child.
After dinner and cake Zoe was off to bed (she looks ready in the picture!) and then a relaxing evening before a big day.
We got up with Zoe at her usual 6:30am wake time and had a sweet wake up time together (one of my favorite things). Zoe loves when her daddy is home in the mornings and we are all three in our bed waking up slow. She sits in between us and "talks" climbing from Jeremy to me until we finally give in and get up!
Once we got Zoe situated with her MiMi, we headed to Starbucks (can't have a birthday without Starbucks!).
We got to Blue Springs State Park about 9:30am, carried the kayaks down to the water and were in by 10. It was BEAUTIFUL. I have really fallen in love with Florida lately. It truly is a beautiful place when seen in it's natural state. Speaking of Florida and natural state...yes, we did see gators, and yes it was a little TOO close for comfort! We headed out on the St. Johns river and went North. After talking to some locals we followed their advice and headed for a lagoon off of the river. As soon as we turned into the lagoon, Jer tells me to look left in a little bit of a nervous tone. Sure enough 20 feet away on the bank of the river, a 5 to 6 foot gator glared at us. As soon as he saw us he turned and got into the water...uh, can we say just a little nerve racking (not to mention there have been 5 attacks in our area in the past 2 months). Yea...we were in raw Florida! We saw 2 more gators after our first encounter which raised our heart rate to say the least. We paddled around out in the St. Johns for about an hour and then headed toward the springs. Wow...what a breathtaking spot. Due to the 72 degree water near the springs the gators can't hang out there so we were much more relaxed and really enjoyed ourselves. The water was crystal clear, all kinds of fish were swimming under our boats, turtles sunned themselves on fallen trees, moss filled oaks hung over the banks creating a canopy over the water. It was truly enjoyable, not to mention kayaks are SO much fun to paddle and maneuver. After we beached our kayaks and loaded them back in the truck. We headed to the spring for a swim. Wow...nothing beats swimming in a crystal clear, cold, fresh water spring. It was awesome. I can't wait to go back!
My day was so special. I am truly grateful. I also felt that the blue sky and perfect weather was a sweet little "I love you" just for me from my Father who had ordained for me to live another year. I felt His presence which is the best present of all.
My sweet husband didn't stop there. We headed back to Helene's to check on and feed Zoe, took showers and went back out to my new favorite restaurant in downtown Deland. We had a blast and ate yummy authentic Mexican food. I just love being with Jer. He and I have so much fun together...thanks Lord for putting us together what a gift.
All in all, I reflect on my birthday with a prayer of gratitude. Thankful for friends and family who showered me with love and reminded me of how extremely blessed I am. Thank you Lord so much for another year...and thank you Lord that you are SO faithful to fullfill your promises to me year after year. I now walk into my "late 20's" with an expectant heart and a sense of security that nomatter what I know WHO holds my future. A truly happy birthday!

"no such thing as easy in adult world"

2006-05-31T15:42:00.000-04:00

Have you ever just been sitting somewhere and realize you were living your dream...that has been happening to me a lot lately. It happens the most when I am having my quiet time; PBS Kids in the background with the occasional visit from Zoe pulling up on the couch where I sit. I think about all of the prayers that I prayed for this...to be a wife and a mother. Here I am, living my dream. Is it easy? Never. To quote a really bad movie that I won't name: "there is no easy in adult world." Is that the truth or what! We have all heard it said that anything that is really worth anything is HARD. Well that is true...definitely true. I used to buck this truth. I wanted everything to come easy and like a little toddler would sometimes secretly throw tantrums with God.
I am glad that I am living this lesson right now. I am glad that I have stopped bucking it and started embracing difficulty instead. I feel alive because of it. I am forcing myself out of the comfort zone I felt I could never venture out of. I am really working on doing some things that make me nervous and I am FINALLY saying no to that self that still tries to get the best of me. Man, am I grateful. I know that until I see Jesus I will battle this die hard effort inside of me to play it safe but I am glad to be on the way.
On a different note...Jer and I saw The Davinci Code on Saturday. It has really challenged me to start reading and studying more about what I believe. It was interesting because years ago when I was in college that movie might have really rattled me but now, not at all. Jesus has covered too much ground in my life for me to doubt that He is Divine. How else would a self-diseased person like me ever begin to gain the victory! All the same, I feel I need to learn more. I know that there is evidence out there I just know enough to be dangerous! Again, hard things are always worth it so I will start studying!
Life here is good...hard, but good. I am glad to be on the narrow path. Lord knows I feel more alive the narrower it becomes.

encouraged...

2006-05-09T09:26:00.003-04:00

This weekend was really refreshing for our family. Jeremy, Zoe, and I were privileged to have a dear friend of mine from highschool and her family stay with us. Gracy, David and their 18 month old son are getting ready to go to Asia to live the Gospel among those who have yet to hear or see the good news of Jesus Christ. Jer and I were so excited, so expectant as we prepared for their visit, but I don't think we were quite expecting the breath of fresh air we would receive through them.
Gracy and I were friends in high school. One of those friendships that only God could put together. We didn't go to school together, we didn't live in the same neighborhood, we didn't even really have the same circle of friends; we were just two young girls desperately seeking the same God. That was our common ground. All these years later, so many circumstances later, that's who we still are maybe just a little more aware, no, a lot more aware of our brokenness, His grace, and the connection of the two.
This weekend was filled with conversations, conversations alive with the spirit of God. It was also filled with so much love you could just almost touch it. Gracy and David, Me and Jeremy, Gracy and me, David and Jeremy...just so much genuine, authentic fellowship going on. So much vulnerablilty, not forced, but real sharing received with true interest and care.
Gracy and David are already spreading the gospel right here in their current circumstances. They are spreading it by the way they love. They were so interested in us. So easy to be with. So pleasant and giving. They were affirming and kind, to one another and to us. We laughed, we cried, we listened, we awakened old visions and shared our dreams. We were in the light and we were having fellowship as it speaks of in I John. It was so cool as we sat around our table and ate and truly sought to see eachother's hearts truly seeking to understand the experience of the other. We were equally interested in eachother and building the other up.
WE WERE ENCOURAGED! Encouraged to be better to each other, encouraged to not give up on God given visions and dreams, encouraged to live more holy, encouraged to minister right where we are. I am so grateful for these kind of friends. I was so grateful to see our husbands (the ones so obviously picked for us by God) connecting and encouraging eachother as husbands and men. It was cool to watch our children together. And even as I write this I am thanking God for friends He continues to give me in spite of me! Thank you Lord for giving us friends, may we be authentic friends to others, friends that bring acceptance, love, and joy into others lives.
"Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing."
~ I Thessalonians 5:11

king saul

2006-03-09T12:28:00.000-05:00

I am currently doing a Beth Moore Bible study called "A Heart Like His." It is a study on one of my favorite characters in the Bible, King David. I have always loved David. I love his writings and I love his heart for God. One character that is not talked or thought about as much is King Saul. I have been amazed at how much the study of his life has taught me. Today in the study, Saul died. The first king of Israel gone and wow what I gleaned from his sad life.

Saul had a serious problem with disobedience. On numerous occasions Saul did what God told him to do with one problem, he did it halfway. He didn't do exactly what God had commanded. Saul was a master at justifying his actions in the name of the Lord and with this I can relate. I believe the Holy Spirit moved in me as I read about his life and was showing me that halfway obedience is really just disobedience and that disobedience leads to sadness. I love the Bible. I love how events that happened thousands of years ago can somehow relate to me in the present. From the life of Saul I learned that it is better to just do what God says, that I don't have a better plan and I definately don't know better than the God of the universe.

As my study of Saul comes to an end I am aware of a few truths that I don't want to forget.
One is easily said as my mom taught me when I was young "the happy way is to obey." It's really true...our own way may look good to us from time to time but it ends in sadness!
Life and freedom occurs as we do what we were created for and that is to live according to the way GOD has set for us. How much heartache I could have avoided by just living according to this principal.

Secondly, I am aware through this study that the Grace of God is nothing to take lightly. If it weren't for Jesus Christ how many of us would have already lost the precious Spirit that enables us to live this life for HIM. I am reminded that there was a time when that Spirit could be removed and as happened to Saul, a troubling spirit could take over. I am comforted by this grace. We are given second and third chances that Saul was never given. If not for the grace of God there go I. I don't want to take this grace lightly. I should be like Saul but no, God did not ordain it so. He ordained that I would be under the blood of HIS Son Jesus. I am refreshed by the gospel...and reminded why it is such GOOD news.

Just like Zoe...

2006-03-07T10:56:00.000-05:00

Zoe is 5 months old!

Five months of growing. It really amazes me how much our little "bug" has changed. Just glancing through pictures of the past 5 months brings tears of amazement, joy, and nostalgia. Zoe is living up to her name..."Life." She is non-stop when she is awake. I have even had to stop reading while I feed her because she gets so distracted by trying to grab the book from me. Zoe is interested in everything and if she is able to actually grab something she puts it directly into her mouth. She is a happy little girl, lighting up my mornings with an excited smile as I pick her up from her night of sleep. She has mastered the art of rolling over and spends most of her time on her tummy pushing herself up to explore her world.

I am in awe of Zoe. This little person that the God of the universe has fashioned so perfectly and entrusted to me. Zoe fascinates me. She makes me think. She makes me think a lot about how we all started out like her: excited about every new day, happy to see the ones she loves, interested in everything around her, and completely innocent to anything remotely evil. Life is so simple for Zoe. She relies unknowingly on me for food, rest, and play. She loves to be held and is so easily pleased with just being picked up by mom or dad. Oh to live life so simply.

What if we all were excited about every new day, happy to see the ones we love, interested in everything around us, and completely innocent of evil? Is that maybe what Christ speaks of when He says "unless you become as a little child you will by no means enter the kingdom"?

I want to be more like Zoe. I want to light up the face of God when He sees me. I want to smile at complete strangers. I want to be... Just be.

2006-01-24T10:43:00.000-05:00

Wow...it has really been awhile since I have written. I really have never been good at being consistent with things like this but I have decided that it is important that I do so. In order to be consistent I am going to update my blog every Tuesday...Tuesday? Why Tuesday? Well, because Jer works early on Tuesday and because it's just going to be my blog day.

It's quiet here in my home today. Zoe is sleeping and I am still in my PJ's. I really try to get dressed for my day before now but today I am still in my PJ's. I've got to get out of them by noon...it's just not right to be in your PJ's past noon, not unless you're on vacation or something.

I am reading a really good book right now. It's good because it's where I am in life. It's called Professionalizing Motherhood. It really makes me think about what I am doing. Staying home with Zoe is so important but really it is pretty amazing how downplayed this role is. A lot of thoughts come to me, thoughts like "aren't you bored," or "I bet you can't wait to get back into teaching," or "don't you need to be out making money" or "what do you do all day?" At the beginning of the book it really attacks this kind of thinking by saying that we really have to shift how we think about staying home with our children. This book makes me think. Listen to this quote...
"We keep hearing the questions asked, "What is happening to the children of today? Why do we have such violence? Why are the children killing

For God so loved...

2005-12-21T10:48:00.000-05:00

"For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son..."

John 3:16

John 3:16...one of maybe the best known verses in the Bible. I mean you see it at football games, on street signs, etc. It's everywhere. I wonder if familiarity leads to overlooking the power of a thing? This verse means something different to me and my husband this year. Just the other night Jer looked at me and said something to the effect of "could we give her up?" Just the thought of giving my child for another and at that, for others who don't deserve her or really care that we gave her little innocent life. I immediately thought of the verse "while we were yet sinners...Christ died for the UNGODLY!" WHOA! Not only did God give up His only begotton, He gave Him up for sinners! People that would reject Him, misconstrue His message, take Him out of context, say His name in vain, produce programs proving He didn't exist or that He was just a hoax, nail Him to a cross...those are the ones He gave Him for. I am one of those "ones." We all are one of those "ones." (for ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God) I don't think I could give Zoe up if my life depended on it and that is what He did...He gave His Son for those who didn't deserve Him.

At a time when Christmas is becoming a "Happy Holiday" maybe we should all slow down and really meditate on what He gave. Isn't it unbelieveable that God, knowing all, would do what He did? It blows my new mother mind. May this Christmas bring us to a fresh understanding of His ultimate gift...the God-child, the Man who would die to take away that which we can do nothing about nomatter how hard we might try. The One who lives today...may we find that One in a deeper way this year. Merry CHRISTmas! May it be filled with Jesus, the one perfect gift...

"In this is love, not that we loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins." I John 4:10

shelf life

2005-12-15T16:12:00.000-05:00

"His thoughts said, I wonder why these special tools are used?
His Father said, "The house, when it was in building, was built of stone made ready before it was brought thither; so that there was neither hammer nor axe nor any tool of iron heard in the house while it was in building.
If thou knewest the disappointment it is to the builders when the stone cannot be used for the house because it was not made ready before it was brought thither, if thou knewest My purpose for thee, thou wouldest welcome any tool if only it prepared thee quietly and perfectly to fit into thy place in the house." -Amy Carmichael

Lately I have felt shelved. You know like I am on the shelf. Don't get me wrong, I like my shelf spot (home with my baby girl) but I also want so badly to be used for God's kingdom. I won't pretend to assume I should be used or that I am in a place to be used but I really want to b. I want Zoe to grow up seeing her mom and dad contributing and living for the Kingdom of God here on earth! I want to leave her a legacy worth something in heavenly currency. But right now I am on the shelf. Of my own choosing? Of my own doing?

Then comes encouragement like it always does. It comes in the form of written words, penned years and years ago by one of my favorites Amy Carmichael. These little nuggets of encouragement always come in unexpected ways and places and they always seem to speak directly to my need. I am thankful for these nuggets for they remind me of the closeness of our God. He is near. He is involved. He knows our situation and He cares about how we are. He doesn't forget us and He doesn't ever abandon us. For this I am grateful.

So now as I type from my shelf I find that there is a song to be sung and a smile to wear even in the midst of obscurity. He continues to work on me and, like Amy's nugget conveyed to me, I will be grateful for any tool that He might use to truly fit me for His use.

peace

2005-12-09T09:49:00.000-05:00

Zoe got her shots yesterday. I have to clarify, my parents did not immunize me nor my 5 siblings until we were much older and due to that I was fearful of immunizing my daugher. FEAR...not right in the heart of a child of God. It's funny how the way that you were raised affects your life. No matter how much we change or how far away we get from our childhood we still are so affected. I see it in my marriage. We call it the cool whip debate...which is healthier cool whip or real whipped cream? Well I would say the "real thang" but my husband (who lost his grandfather when he was only 2 to a massive heart attack) was raised to eat "fat free" (even though my side of the debate is that it is loaded with chemicals ie. how I was raised). My experience with cool whip? nil...well that's not true...Mamah had it and oh I was in heaven sneaking finger fulls of it straight out of the freezer. Yeah...how we are raised definately affects us. Ignorance is bliss...if I didn't know cool whip was loaded with chemicals I might enjoy it and if I hadn't grown up hearing about all the dangers of immunizing maybe I wouldn't have been so fearful for the past 2 months of my daughter's life, absolutely fearing the worst to come out of her 2 month check-up. There is truth to the dangers (we totally researched it-only led to more fear), there are dangers either way. In the end, it is really just a choice, not whether or not to immunize but whether or not to trust; a matter of obedience.

Listen to these verses I was on the trail of this morning: John 14:1 "Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me [Jesus]," John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. DO NOT LET YOUR HEART BE TROUBLED, NOR LET IT BE FEARFUL." And again in John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."
There you have it in black and white. So now, as the little precious one He has given us sleeps, I say to myself "let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." Thankfully we can change and make new a new course for ourselves...a course of peace and not of fear. Not because this world affords it, or that we can create it, but because He, Jesus, said it. DON'T BE AFRAID.

PEACE.

making of a mommy...

2005-11-20T17:54:00.000-05:00

Meet Zoe Margaret Jobson...so little, so dependent, so innocent. Babies are amazing. You can learn so much from them. We chose Zoe's name because it means "life." It's the word in the Greek that means the kind of life that Jesus gives...abundant life...that is our prayer for her.
Zoe is a good baby, she has been since day 1. Currently we are having a struggle with her daytime sleep due to the fact that I created a few "sleep props" that we had to wean her off of the past few days. Can we say CRYING! There really is nothing like the sound of your own baby's cry...it causes an anxiety that I have never known. The minute I hear it my heart skips a beat. Zoe is 6 weeks old she will be 7 weeks on Tuesday. Hard to believe it's been that long it seems like yesterday we brought her home. She is a gift. Another great example of God's grace to me "in spite of myself." I look at this little life that has been entrusted to me and Jeremy and I think wow! okay Lord you see something in me that I don't! I am thankful for Zoe. I am glad that the Lord allowed her to come to us. I am happy that He chose her to teach me more about Him and especially to teach me how to live by His power. (if you've had a baby you know what I mean!)
Back to Zoe...her day goes something like this: She wakes up anywhere between 5:30-6:00 sometimes later. I am not ready to get up yet so most of the time I will take her to bed with us to nurse and dose until about 7 or 7:30. Sometimes we might fall back asleep until 8:00, that is nice:) After her morning feeding (the 8-8:30 one) I get her dressed for her day, she lays on the couch and takes in the world (that is her favorite right now-just laying on her back and looking around). After a little bit of "waketime" Zoe goes down for a nap...this is the part she doesn't care for! It goes like that for the rest of the day. Feed, play, sleep. The life of a babe! Sometimes we go out and run errands which she will usually sleep through. She has started to focus more with her eyes which is awesome. Today she just looked and looked at me. She also has started to smile...you have to work pretty hard...but she'll eventually do it. Talk about giving her mommy a happy rush! Her smile is sooooo precious, she has the cutest dimple ever! Zoe's daddy, Jeremy, is amazing with her. She loves him so much. I feel so blessed to have such an involved husband. He's pretty wonderful too.
The making of a mommy is no easy feat...it keeps you on your toes and grows your heart like nothing else. I am convinced that mommyhood is one of God's greatest tools for learning about death to self...something I have prayed to be better at for many years. May He have His way! Of all the tools He could have chosen to use this one is pretty cute.

Title of this blog...

2005-11-20T13:19:00.000-05:00

In spite of me...I guess I should explain the name of my blog. When I was a freshman in college I guess you could say I was on the fence spiritually. I had an intense desire to follow Christ and yet had many other desires which conflicted. I was better, sometimes more than others, at denying desires opposed to following Christ, yet I still stumbled in many ways. It was during one such "stumble" that my best friend Beth said to me after I had spoken to someone about faith in Jesus, "Maggie the Lord really uses you in spite of yourself!" What truth my dear friend had spoken...she nailed it and I have never forgotten it. Even though now almost 8 years later, I don't struggle with the same issues, I still struggle and the Lord still blesses me "in spite of myself." The issues may change but I will always need the irresistable GRACE that first drew me to Himself. He is good like that...covering our sin, meeting our need, challenging our faith, being ever faithful when we are faithless at times. He is amazing and my prayer is that this Grace in spite of me will continue to draw me in and change my life...it can change us all you know!