eczema...

So here apparently is the latest tool God is using in my life...eczema. My son Matt's face is covered in eczema. It won't go away no matter what I do. I am out of control once again. There is no "fixing" this problem it seems, it just is. Wow...it just is. This struggle has brought to the surface some issues that I don't think I would have stopped to address had this not happened. For one there is absolutely NO room for pride in a believers life. Though my pride was hidden and subtle it was there all the same. A little sneaking feeling that somehow I could keep my little ones well and safe by my own effort. Not so. At least not the way my Heavenly Father sees fit for me.
Can I say I am grateful...so absolutely floored and grateful that GOD (who I know so little of) is so set on me being all His that He ruthlessly pursues me. I am learning that it is absolutely in and through the struggle that real life is birthed. The kind of life that means something. The kind that is eternal. This struggle, this suffering in my life is here for a reason. I believe that with all that I am. It is a part of His life work in me and I will not resist it (I may not look too hot as I go through this) but I will not give up. Jesus is too much of a prize and I have tasted just enough of Him to whet my appetite for more...SO Lord if this is your way then keep it coming and show me what it mean to be weak but strong, to be foolish but wise, to be poured out yet filled up...show me Lord and take me there...

two babies...

"Two babies, I have two babies"...this is my little phrase I sing with Zoe everytime I have to hold both of them at the same time. Sometimes I catch Zoe carrying Elmo and Bitty Baby and singing to herself "two babies." Life with two babies...you know how Paul talks about having joy in struggles? Well, honestly that is what being a stay-at-home-mom is like for me~ a joyful struggle. Guess I might need to let go a little more and "just let the wind carry me" like a card I gave to a good friend recently read. THat's scary though. And in a world that measures you by what you "do" it seems near impossible some days. My to do list is never done and just when I think I am getting close the items seem to start piling back on. I am learning to let go I am learning to throw the to-do list aside and get down on the floor and play. That's really all that my little girl and boy want... now why is that so hard some days?

desires of my heart...

Okay so I am overwhelmed...overwhelmed in a good way. Lately I have had these moments of truth where I just sit amazed at the tangible presence of God all over my life and not to mention my husband's. Tears sting my eyes as I even type these words...you see He has done it. He had given me EVERYTHING I ever asked Him for. He has gone above and beyond the visions I had but what is so amazing to me is that He has done it! Despite my unfaithfulness at times, despite my failing, wandering heart, despite my lack of discipline; He has done it.
Flashes of moments in days past overwhelm my heart...a prayer here, a whisper there, a fleeting vision, an aching heart in sometimes sleepless nights...wondering when? how? how long? And now here I am...married, a mother, in ministry (okay so they are all m words-that's weird!) Even more amazing is the redemptive work God continues to do in my life THROUGH my marriage, mommyhood, and being in ministry with my husband.
Jesus continues to woo me on this awesome adventure called life with Him. I am amazed and I am in awe. Though my days are filled with dishes and diapers, baby talk and block building, nursing and nurturing, they are jammed packed with meaning, filled to the brim and overflowing with the purpose of a jealous God who will not let His chosen ones go...AMEN Lord thank you SO much.

i'm back!

Since my last post (in March!) I have had my precious little boy Matt and am adjusting to being the mom of two children...not the easiest thing I have ever done for sure! We are making the transition and wow I am really in love with this new little person. I wondered how I would ever love a child like I love Zoe but it has happened and I am head over heels. Matt has a very sweet temperment. He smiles all the time and is really a very easy baby. Zoe is adjusting as well even though she does wack him every now and then...I will never understand why!

Jesus continues to "complete the work He started" in me...and again by using these tools called babies! I am so grateful that He keeps me in places that I would not make it without Him. It keeps me right where I am supposed to be...needing HIM.

short post

Sick...that is what I have been! Wow, sickness takes on a whole different meaning when there are little ones in tow. It has not been easy this week to say the least but I have learned and reflected on some sweet truths...1) When you need help, ASK. This is not the easiest thing for me to do always but you know it really is rewarding. It is rewarding all the way around. When I ask for help I am blessed and the ones helping are blessed. It is only pride that keeps us from this. This is blessed community...doing life together...helping one another. 2) Sometimes God allows sickness to get us to be still...this has been especially sweet because it has allowed me to really spend some time thinking about and bonding with this new little boy that the Lord is about to add to our family. I have been so busy with Zoe and just life that I haven't really spent much time really cherishing the little guy inside:) 3) God uses sickness to show us some things we need to really work on!!!!!!!!! I won't go into this too much, but wow Lord... thank you that I am still a work in progress!
I also just finished another of Ginger and I's book club reads. It was called Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. Great writing style, some hard material for my traditional southern baptist upbringing (which I am still recovering from), but overall glad that I read it. A few times I was really unsure about reading it but then at the end I just had this nagging thought that Jesus would probably rather hang out with someone like Anne Lamott then some religious person in denial about their depravity any day! Oh to be more and more the real thing!
That's it...all except for a huge thank you going out to the man of the year...my husband! What a servant...I am so grateful for you babe! Thank you for loving me like Christ loves the church in all her imperfections...you are awesome and I love you.

Do you Trust Me?

Jeremy and I were able last weekend to attend a worship concert called "How Great is Our God." Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, and Louie Giglio were there all three of which I greatly enjoy due to their commitment to the Truth. We especially enjoyed Giglio's talk. He used many examples from science (ie. astronomy, and the miracle of human development in the womb) to illustrate how HUGE our God is. One thing he said really stood out to me. I don't remember exactly how he said it but basically he said that sin distorts our view of God making Him smaller than He is and us larger than we really are. How true! In our quest for security, pleasure, and power (to borrow from the Manning book I am finishing) it is all about a magnification of self that makes us bigger in our own estimation that we in reality really are. How I have known this to be true. God is Huge. He is in control. He is the Creator God and in Him, Jesus "ALL THINGS HOLD TOGETHER"~ Colossians 1:17 (another point Louie made). This was all hitting me as I sat at the concert fighting fearful thoughts about my children (Zoe home sick with a temperature and Matt in my belly so out of my control).

This is where I am weak right now. Fear over something happening to one of my little ones, to my husband, or even myself has had a tendency to really creep in. Zoe had her first major sickness this same weekend of the concert. She had a temperature so high I was scared to death. I literally just laid my hands on Zoe and just prayed several times. She had no other symptoms other than the high fever and just crankiness that it caused. And then 2 days later it was gone and she was her energetic, into everything, ever exploring and wanting to be outside self. Thank you Lord. His voice echoes in my mind..."Do you trust Me?" Even if Zoe didn't get better. Even if tragedy strikes as He no doubt said it would in this world John 16:33 (my banner verse right now), do I TRUST HIM. I want to. I want to be at peace about trouble and death...things that are absolutely a part of life. I know that this peace He has promised me because He said so over and over in His Word. Death takes on such a different meaning when you have a spouse and children. You just don't think about it the same. But again in scripture it says very clearly that He has overcome death so that He "might free those who through fear of death were subject to slavery all their lives"~Hebrews 2:15. I don't have to be slave to this fear. It is NOT of Him. I just keep hearing "Do you Trust Me." Keep saying it Lord and keep teaching me how.

Busy

Ok...so we've been busy. Life is just busy overall right now. Busy in a different way. Busy in a good way, most of the time.
We went out of town this past weekend to visit one of my best friends from college. Her family has a place on the marshes in South Georgia which has a beauty all of it's own. I will try to post some pictures later this week. Beth and Bill, her husband, have a little girl named Julia who is now 8 months old. Zoe was really good with her, sitting down next to her every once in awhile with a big "hi" and not to mention totally trying to climb IN the walker with her after trying to push her around in it...not sure Julia was too thrilled about this! Zoe LOVES people! She really does and she is absolutely so full of joy and just the thrill of life itself right now. Everything is just amazing to her and she is not one to hide her enthusiasm. I don't think I could even put in words how she reacts to things...it really is the cutest thing. Zoe inspires me to be enthusiastic about life!
So we made it through probably the last major roadtrip we will make in a long time. I am realizing that traveling with little ones is pretty tiring especially being 7 almost 8 months pregnant. Zoe was really great she is just BUSY being her little one-year-old self...exploring and testing every limit there is. Oh how we pray for wisdom to be able to channel this awesome little personality into it's greatest potential.
In other news, I am really getting excited about this little man that is about to break onto our scene. Matt Jobson. Get ready! How cool that Zoe will have a brother! I am so excited about it and I know that though it will be challenging for sure this is just the best thing ever for our family! I am due April 25th (for those that didn't know) so I have just about 2 full months left. I am in the home stretch! We are getting ready.
Just an update on our little world...no time right now to mention all that is going on...I really want to sit down and post solely about the book that Ginger and I are reading right now The Importance of Being Foolish by Brennan Manning...what a life-changer for sure. Ginger said it the best...she said something like if this was the only book she read this year it would be enough. It really is that good. The bottom line is Jesus is really that good. No, good really isn't the word...He is just that REAL. May we all find HIM in the busyness of our everyday.

food for thought...

So I just finished reading the book Disease-Proof Your Child: Feeding Kids Right by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. This is one of the books my friend Ginger and I were reading in our little long-distance book club:) I wanted to sit down and write my thoughts on it right away before it all leaves this pregnant mind of mine!

Disease-Proof You Child is a book about feeding your children well when they are little in order to lessen illness presently and in their future adulthood. I have been thinking a lot about the epidemic of cancer there seems to be in our country and he talks A LOT about cancer prevention which was very beneficial to me. Basically I had heard most of what he writes about due to the fact that health has definitely been somewhat of a hobby of mine since I was in high school. The main idea of the book was eat real food. Eat vegetables, fruit, nuts, seeds predominantly, cut out completely dairy, white flour, sugar, oil and most animal products. He definitely hails saturated fats as an absolute no-no, which I agree with. The thing that was the hardest for me was the thought of giving up cheese and butter both of which I eat moderately but enjoy immensely! I was glad to be encouraged to eat more fruit and vegetables and to continue Zoe on her diet of mainly vegetables, beans, fruit and whole grain. The only meat that she eats are the turkey hot dogs I get at the health food store which I am considering phasing out. I have definitely quit giving Zoe cheese and I have started using Earth's Balance instead of butter. The MAIN thing that I got out of the book was EAT MORE VEGETABLES! They contain so many God-given disease fighting compounds that it just makes sense!

One thought before I close this post...I just want to end this by saying that I DO believe that we have a responsibility to take care of our bodies and especially to feed our children as well as possible in order for them to be healthy and able to fight off disease BUT I do not believe in it becoming an obsession...I have been there. A verse in the Daily Light (the little devotional that I read to Zoe every morning while she eats her breakfast) stood out to me in relation to this book I have been reading: "For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will TRANSFORM OUR LOWLY BODY THAT IT MAY BE CONFORMED TO HIS GLORIOUS BODY, according to the working by which He is able even to subdue all things to Himself." Phil. 3:20-21 The thought crossed my mind as I read the verse...I can do my best health wise for myself and my family but ultimately we dwell in a "lowly body." What we are going to be is not yet revealed and what is in store for us when HE comes back will be GLORIOUS. I am clinging to this and excited for that day. I am excited to pray that my children will grasp this as well, that they will not only be as healthy here as possible (physically) but most importantly spiritually healthy. I pray this for myself and I give all of the rest to the one who created us not for ourselves but for HIMSELF. "All things were created through Him and FOR HIM." Rom 14:9

Baggage...

Wednesday night was my first time at "Mrs. in Ministry," a group of women who are wives of seminary students that attend RTS. The reason that I went on this particular evening was because the guest speaker was a professor that Jeremy had whom he had especially enjoyed. Sharon Hersh is a counselor/professor/speaker out of Colorado who comes to our RTS campus and teaches one week crash courses. The class that Jer had taken with her was her addictions class and from the discussions we had over dinner every night that week, I could tell was awesome. All that to say, I was really excited to see that she would be the speaker and made plans to attend...
I had no clue what to expect other than knowing I would meet fellow RTS wives and hear Sharon give something like a talk...of course (so like God) her talk was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
Sharon spoke on surrender...but not like you think. She spoke about baggage...but not like you usually hear baggage spoken about especially among Christians. It was inspiring to say the least, and yes, convicting. Her points were: 1. You need yourself; but not like you think 2. You need others; a lot more than you think 3. You need communion; much more often than we partake. (communion as in the Lord's Supper)
When speaking of our baggage, the baggage that we ALL have and carry, she used an interesting statement that she had heard during her alcohol addiction treatment: "the question is not whether or not we have baggage, but with what do we carry our baggage." Of course when she said this all of my years of "christianese" ran through my head. Thoughts like, uh oh this can't be right because of course we "leave our baggage at the cross" and surely if you are truly "spiritual" you have dropped that old baggage never to be picked up again! It's so good to have our "thoughts" challenged...and often! Anyway, I didn't tune her out I leaned in to listen harder...what did she mean "carry it?" And how was this "theologically correct" (can you just hear that lovely tint of PRIDE ringing through my reaction...O wretched man!) She listed the ways we carry our baggage...the baggage carriers of 1) Addictions -whether that be the dramatic addictions like alcohol or drugs or maybe just food, shopping, etc. Whatever that thing is that we engage in just "to take the edge off" 2) The Law or Legalism-this is the one that made tears creep down my cheeks...this is the one that carries baggage by keeping all of the "rules" and making sure everything is super in line and that only that which is presentable is shown 3) Self Effort-this is the one where people just "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" and carry it themselves "thank you very much!" and then 4) The RISEN Christ
She spoke of the different baggage we carry: shame, disfigurement, pain, giftedness, etc... The point she was making was not whether or not we have the baggage but HOW we CARRY IT! She wasn't saying that you don't address things or work through your "baggage" but what she was saying was that Jesus came to be our "baggage carrier!" Consider this "Come to me all you who labor and have a lot of bags and I will give you rest." Isn't that what He said! Also interesting was the point that it is not so much the crucifixion that we are clinging to here in this instance (we are doing that too) but we are clinging to and discovering the wonderful RISEN Christ. The one that has the power to heap our "bags" onto Himself and take us where we need to go.
Wow. There was so much more said. The thing that resonated with me the most is that thought of the Risen Christ...alive, powerful, living in me and reading and willing to carry all of my bags. I am meditating on this. I am not ashamed that I still have "baggage", that, you know, in reality, it's not all in order...and no I am not over it all...I am still on this journey towards the Healer but more importantly I am soaking in the stark reality that I CAN'T carry or order all of these bags, I can't "get it all straight" and perhaps THE most important part- I DON'T HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!!!!" The Risen One uses broken weak vessels...as it says in scripture "to confound the wise." Those that really think they get it...people like I have a tendency to be. Then God goes and uses the least of these...maybe someone who is not quite as polished spiritually or maybe even still trying to kick some "ungodly" habit. That is when our little tidy spirituality is rocked...and you know it is absolutely the way of GOD. He uses all of us in spite of ourselves, baggage and all.

Resolutions...

res-o-lu-tion: the quality of being resolute: firmness, determination (from The Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

At this time of year many of us make "resolutions." Some serious some not so serious: lose 10 pounds, play with my kids more, spend more time with God, read more books, watch less tv, etc...

I have made so many resolutions in my lifetime but I have noticed that if it's not something that God is behind or with me in my "quality of being resolute" doesn't really measure up! This year I am really going to pray about my "resolutions." Sure I have my aspirations...be more intentional in discipling my daughter, Zoe and my soon to be son Matt, spend significant time cultivating a new friendship or two, get back into Yoga and walking once the baby comes, read more, etc... I just want to make sure that my "resolutions" are in line with the most important one and that is knowing and loving God. If that aspect suffers what does any of the rest really matter? It's easy to get caught up in whatever our "thing" is, so easy. I find myself there often. It is in those moments when I catch myself that I really have to take a deep breath and remember...just remember GOD, and more specifically Jesus.

I have to say my number one plea for 2007 is "Lord, I want to know YOU." The cool thing is that relationship with God is not attained, Biblically speaking, by determination and willpower but by grace...the unconditional, mind-blowing Grace of God. Bring it on Lord...bring it on and by this grace give me the "determination" and "firmness" of purpose to know you better!